Shooting With The Stars: Steve Urkel Edition

Shooting With The Stars is a series where we analyze the technical basketball skill and the ins-and-outs of the basketball competitions we see in movies and television shows without any consideration for the context and overall plot.

#they always doubted him.

They never wanted him to succeed.

He’s overlooked to the point of heartbreak every goddamn day over his true love Laura “Snookums” Winslow. He was overlooked all the times Mr. Carl Winslow threw him out the house. His own parents don’t even think to attend his wedding because Mod Squad is on TV. When Family Matters first started he wasn’t even supposed to be a reoccurring character!

It’s time to prove everyone wrong. Once Urkel steals the ball, he adjusts his glasses, grins, and takes over of the game. He starts by beating a scrub off the dribble. For his next defender, he uses the same dribble between the legs three times move that Jordan used to freeze Larry Bird when Jordan was still on the come-up. To finish the play he uses his quick first step and scoop shots the ball with some English off the glass with his right hand to avoid a block from a defender swooping in from his left.

With the likeness of Kyrie Irving, Urkel’s handles, footwork, and overall scoring off the dribble skills throughout the game allow him to have his way with everyone. He uses between the legs and spin moves effectively, leaving defenders with cement feet. He also shows promise with his pinpoint accurate passing, displayed by an alley-oop pass and a behind the back pass leading a teammate cutting to the hoop.

Evoking Kyrie yet again, Urkel steps up to the challenge with his team down by one in the waning seconds. To create space in the mid-range he lunges his right foot forward, throwing his defender back towards the baseline and off balance. With breathing room and ice in his veins, Urkel sinks the game-winner.

With a final soul-crushing yet still nasally taunt, Urkel should mock his haters and naysayers with a, “Did I do thaat?”

Steve Urkel will make it to our end of the season tournament with a seeding towards the top of the bracket. As long as coach Westfield gives him the proper playing time, expect college scouts to start showing up to his games. With the skill he showed, he could be a one-and-done on his path to the pros.

A Note On Coach Westfield:

Either Coach Westfield is mind-blowingly incompetent or there’s some seriously sketchy stuff going down behind the scenes. As for incompetence, Westfield seems to be oblivious of floor spacing, one of the most basic principles of any basketball offense. Urkel’s teammates seem to deliberately cramp together. Urkel not only has to dribble past defenders but his own teammates seem to be in the way as a result of the poor spacing.

Going deeper down the conspiracy rabbit hole, an investigation needs to be done over Westfield’s curious behavior and the happenings of this game. Why was Coach Westfield so ready to forfeit the game? How could there be so many injuries to his players on one night? How could he have possibly done such poor talent evaluation to miss Urkel’s obvious skills? Why does he not want Urkel to play so desperately that instantly after Urkel asks to be put in, Westfield accuses Urkel of sniffing liniment? Why is Westfield nowhere to be seen when the whole team and the crowd is celebrating the win? Could Coach Westfield be throwing games? Muskrat Nation should demand answers. Don’t be surprised if a custodian happens across a duffle bag full of cash belonging to Westfield, implicating a high school corruption scandal for the ages.



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