Hello Internet Peoples!
Holy crap, it’s already May. Where did the time go?
That, I do not know, my dears. What I do know is that with spring cleaning comes big decisions. I threw out most of my old law school books (good riddance) and mailed out many of the postcard paintings I’ve been doing this past year to good homes with good friends. Now it is time to contemplate the next step in this new quarter of 2018.
For one thing, I’m taking the bar exam again this summer. Yay.
Now, normally, this would send me into a spiral of anxiety on top of anxiety but I’ve got good people surrounding me this time around. I have cloaked myself in the luxurious comments of my non-lawl school friends who knew me before I made my foray into the woods and are beside me now that I have escaped from its brambles and briars. Most importantly, I value the comments of those who have stuck by me and insist that I am an amazing, powerful womyn–and that this test does not make or define who I am or what I can do.
Makes me feel warm and bubbly inside.
As you can see, despite my month plus of radio silence, I’m still making art. There was a lull of a few weeks because I just didn’t feel motivated.
Further, last month, something really traumatic happened to me. I was walking home from my train station and was nearly robbed. Someone came up behind me and said, “You might as well stop right there–don’t turn around.” My mind registered with, “Holy shit–those are robbing words!” And I just started screaming and running. Luckily, there were people around who stopped to help me and ran the guy off.
But it’s an experience that I know I still carry in my bones and my muscles. It’s hard to be relaxed and at peace. I’ve had to learn how to feel safe in myself again. I’m still learning how to be brave again, too.
That, I feel, is going to take time. I stayed in my home for a few weekends, not wanting to leave into the outside world. During that time, I got a lot of cleaning done. And I also watched a lot of cat documentaries. Okay, three, I watched three of them. Because in case you haven’t noticed, I’m gunning to become the most devoted Cat Lady of all time. One of them was Kedi, which documents the lives of street cats in Istanbul.
Funnily enough, despite my recent aversion to the outside world, my partner suggested I join him for a journey before I take the bar. More on that later.
I wanted to experiment with different textures and colors here. I did a little doodle using colored charcoal pencils that ended up looking like the dinosaurs from The Land Before Time. So I took my acrylic paints and went with it.
I think it’s fitting to show the end of my first quarter of 2018.
And, in case you didn’t know (because I’m very good at keeping it a secret), I am a fan of symbolism. So, with the clearing away and end of an era and that gobbledy-gook mushy stuff, I present you with my interpretation of possibility:
This was originally supposed to be something along the lines of, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” or some other likely over-dramatic title I was feeling at the time. But I set it down for a couple of weeks and then came back to it. This time, it grew into something that was brighter and shinier than I had anticipated.
Which, in case you didn’t know (because I’m very good at keeping it secret*): I love symbolism. And end products that are shiny, bright, and brimming with potential from the rubble of what we lay aside until we are strong enough to handle it, is as symbolic as you can get.
So, like I not so subtly mentioned above: I’m going on a trip before the bar exam. This was a fairly last minute trip for both of us. Long story short: my partner planned to be in Thailand for a few weeks to do some muay thai training. I had my leave of absence arranged to study for the bar exam. Some time last week, the best partner in the universe was all, “Hey. Why don’t you come with me?”
And I was all, “But…but…but–studying! I should be studying!”
We thought about it for awhile and I said, “No. I will be an Adult who lives in Adult Land and does Adult Things. I am not going to galavant around a beautiful island eating delicious pad thai and spicy meat on sticks. I am going to study.”
Partner replied with, “Are you sure? I’d like for you to go.”
To which I replied with, “NO I WANT SPICY MEAT ON STICKS DAMN IT.”
So, I’m going to Thailand for a little bit. I still plan on getting some studying done (don’t laugh! It’s important to have goals!) but I will take this opportunity for what it is: an opportunity to relax and detox from a fairly hectic work environment before proceeding to kick the ass of every single question the July 2018 Bar Exam decides to throw at me.
It’s a time to re-access where I am in life.
As part of my ritual for laying to rest the past four months of 2018, I took a page out of Emily Dickinson’s book. I learned that she wrote thousands of poems in her life time. The majority of them were published after her death. After she wrote those poems, she hid them under her bed in bound paper that she sewed up together.
I felt inspired by that and put all the postcard paintings that I didn’t send to anyone and the poems I wrote into the above packet. I painted the volcano erupting from the sea with the smoke spewing from it the color of the different chakras. Who knows what will become of those paintings and writings? They’ll likely get moldy and/or eaten by moths–but I guess I’ll deal with that when it comes.
That’s my first part of this year, folx!
I hope you are all making it through 2018 and are gathering terrific stories to share with others–or keep to yourself. Either work. Both work.
Take care of yourselves!
Until next time!
*I am not good at keeping secrets. That is part of why I am a writer/artist when I’m not plying my side hustle as a law clerk. I write so I can spew all the secrets I have–and all the secrets people tell me.